I like to make people laugh. I have always tried to do so with a quick wit, biting humor, and a false front. This false front has caused people to give me the nickname "Oscar", as in "the Grouch". I relished the nickname, as the people who know me understand that it is just an act and it gives them a laugh. At least, so I thought.
After a talk with a manager at my workplace, I have come to the realization that it has become more than an act. It has become me. A grouchy, uncooperative person who thinks he knows best and scares off people rather than attracting them. Yes, I'm a relatively private person who likes his "alone time". But I never wanted to be someone that people purposely avoid, dislike, and think of as a roadblock rather than a problem-solver. But that's what I seem to have become.
The manager told me that I cannot fix things overnight. It is a process that will take giving people confidence one phone call, one office visit, one email at a time. He's right at that. But there's another aspect of this. I didn't know. I didn't know, because no one bothered to tell me face to face. Apparently, they spoke behind my back and never had the courage to face me. I'm not a scary person...or maybe I am. But I have always tried to be upfront with people and let them know if something is wrong. That way, we can fix it. That isn't what happened here. The tension reached a breaking point and I had to pin down this manager in his cubicle and ask him what I was doing wrong. I'm grateful that he had the courage to tell me.
What does this mean? It means that it is time to take matters in hand and fix things, one person at a time. I need to practice what I preach. And that is a literal statement.
I like my friends very much. I don't tend to see their flaws, because I know that I have so many of my own. Because of that, I see the positive far more often than I see the negative. But do I say this? Do I let others know that I appreciate them?
I've been told by those in my congregation that they like how I do things. I've been told that I am approachable. And yet...I'm not. Not at work. Not as much as I should be with my friends.
That needs to change. I'm not sure how yet. I'm not sure if I'm in time, or if it's too late to repair the relationships at work that I have damaged. But in order to preserve what's left of myself, I need to try. I need to look to the Great Exemplar to see how I should act. And I need to apply it.
To those who read this who see the negative in me: I'm sorry. Truly. Be patient with me. I'm a work in progress.
3 comments:
Well Adam you really did have a tough day. It is always very disconcerting when you are face to face with the fact that someone has read you wrong. I feel for you. I do have every confidence that you will win over your work mates. They just need to give you a chance. Anyone who knows you at all can tell that you do care. I do hope that things get easier for you. I found your humility and honesty very refreshing. Here's to hoping tomorrow is a better day.
You are one of the few people I know who is willing to admit to their flaws, and I'm sure that with a little opening up your workmates will begin to see this humility and approachability as well. I have trouble with this myself. Almost all of my friends have admitted to thinking I was a snob when we first met. In fact, it is something of a miracle that we ever overcame that, since they felt I was not a person to approach, and I was too shy to introduce myself. Though they all discover that I am a gab machine once they get me going!
Well, I tried to make things right and to change my attitude all last week. Didn't work. In fact, the same person insulted me via email to a vendor. sigh...
I decided to take a few days off to try to calm down, find my emotional center, work on a manuscript and a public talk, and think about what to do next.
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